“Far better it is, to dare might things, to win glorious triumphs even

though checkered by failure…than to take rank with those poor spirits

who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in a grey

twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt, The Man in the Arena

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Much of my book, Four Lessons from My Three Sons and indeed, virtually

every blog on this site, is pretty loose. During In more than a quarter

century of parenting, I have always maintained that humor and good-

natured authenticity are the operative factors in really reaching a kid.

Indeed, there’s even been a grim kind of comedy in the earlier blog

portraits of the jackass kid; in yours truly being admonished by my self-

aware son; and, in my forthright explanation to my sons of me being fired

from my job.

And what developed during all these years of hijinx and unfiltered takes

on life – in addition to hard-won experience – was that my sons gained a

solid foothold on the real world out there in which we all live. Their

growing capacity to understand and manuever within all sorts of situations

was became visible in the young men they were becoming.

Of course, they weren’t perfect and they aren’t perfect now (Four Lessons,

Chapter 1: there is no “perfect kid.”) However, they were developing

reflexes in their conduct and character. I could see it. So could the

individuals whom my sons were around.

As the days and weeks and months and years gained on us all, I logically

entertained thoughts of their futures. Where does this pattern of behavior

take these boys? How will these personal qualities factor into their

broader ambitions? What was going to be next for all three?

Now, you’ll find no surprise with the following: I firmly believe that

parents have a role in guiding what is next for their kids. No, not a

controlling interest; trying to bend a kid to your will won’t work and often

ends in disaster. But a role, nevertheless.

And with that sentiment in mind, here’s a change-up pitch. Below is a

counter-intuitive case in point on how I stepped in to guide my son’s

activities with an eye on the long game. It may surprise you.

A Nellie Tale

When the two eldest were eight- and seven-years-old respectively, a

schoolteacher encouraged them to take music lessons, one kid on

trombone and the other on trumpet. Even though they gamely began

learning the instruments they weren’t fond of practice and ultimately with

subtle prodding from me they both gave up music for good about six

months later. I was glad they did and told them so.

Yes, I encouraged them to give up. To quit.

Read on.

That’s because I knew the score here. My Dad had been a professional

musician and I was around musicians my entire young life. In addition to

being trombonist in the Los Angeles music scene, my father was also a

skilled orchestrator and did pretty well.

But his particular skills made him an outlier and alas, most of his musician

friends from college (except the pianist in his college jazz combo, Star

Wars composer John Williams) struggled to make it. Decades later, the

music profession for expert instrumental performers is even more hopeless

than it was then. Today, there is no large-scale employment or stability for

talented musicians, even your Mozart-like piano prodigies.

Moreover, the sheer amount of practice required to achieve excellence at

an instrument in a field going nowhere stretches past Oblivion to Infinity.

When the boys began with trombone and trumpet I knew they didn’t have

the skills to become outstanding. And even if I was wrong and the boys

excelled, they would have been rewarded (after years of practicing their

instruments in mostly total isolation) with nights playing weddings and

retro high school reunions while also working a mediocre day job. I knew

this scene. I’d seen it all when I was young. Hence, I was glad they

washed out of music. Why pursue a dead-end?!

However, the boys liked and wanted to play the sport of lacrosse. Here

was an undertaking which they constantly practiced with their peers under

coaches whom I respected. The boys developed good skills and had tough

competition in the metro Washington, D.C. area in which we live.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking and you’re exactly right: Lacrosse is a

nowhere profession. It doesn’t even promise the marvelous future of

playing trombone in an ‘90s cover band. But unlike the regimen of sitting

alone four hours a day practicing scales and concertos, lacrosse gave the

boys priceless, enduring benefits: mental and physical toughness, quick

decision-making skills, the ferocity of competition, and the all-in

camaraderie of their teams. Combined, all these elements would serve the

boys well in every endeavor of life. Sure, no kid ever got a concussion

playing the trombone. But in the scheme of things – in the real world of

character and effort and rewards – the trombonist wouldn’t get much else.

I may be old-school, but I believe ambition is latent; every kid has a

motor. No matter who they are (yes, even the jackass kid) or what their

circumstances, a child has a fire for something. The key is igniting it and

then guiding it.

That’s why with my sons, I focused relentlessly on three concepts:

1. The world measures you by deed and action, not by “feelings” or

opinions;

2. Choices the boys made early on – even at their ages – could well

influence how their lives would play out; and,

3. The boys needed always to seek and reach further than I ever did.

Trigger Warning for the following commentaries:

Some of following is harsh and there’s no attempt at subtlety. Then again,

if you were comfortable with fairy tales, you wouldn’t have made it past

the first piece on this site.